I went to lunch a few days (ok ok like two weeks you caught me) with a good friend, and I realized that I hadn't posted in forever! I suppose this could be both a good and a bad sign. I usually use this blog as a place to vent, but it seems like in the last few months there has been less to rant about. It may also mean that instead of letting thing out I am just bottling them up inside and not getting them out. I'm honestly not sure which it is, maybe a little of both. So here it is a catch up from the last four or so months.
My little cousin got married in May, so from the beginning of April until Friday, May 13, 2011, my life was full of dress shopping, baking, going to showers, and anything else the brides heart desired. (Love ya Kels!) The getting ready for the wedding was lots of work, it kind of made me decide that I don't want to have a huge wedding, just take the money that I would have spent and put it towards the honey-moon! The wedding itself was, interesting. I think that I was so exhausted, and stressed the day of the wedding that I prevented myself from having a good time. I was running around trying to make people happy, and chasing dogs in a dress and heels. Looking back I wish I would have taken a deep breath and just enjoyed. I had my family there, family that I don't get to see very often, and it was a day of joy for my cousin. I wish them all the best and hope that they'll be happy for many many years to come.
The day after the wedding I had the absolute joy and pleasure of sitting in a car for six hours. But it was totally worth it because we were on out way to go see WICKED! Wicked was amazing and spending a couple days in Idaho where I know no one, where no one wanted anything from me was a wonderful way to unwind.
The day after I got home from Idaho I was right back to work. I absolutely love my job, I really do. While it is very challenging at times, and I feel a little lost sometimes. I have never had any training as a teacher, but all of a sudden I have been thrust into that role. I just hope every day that I'm doing my kiddies justice. My kids are awesome, I love them all to bits and pieces. Each of them are so different and unique, and they all challenge me in different ways. I have also taken on a new task at work. Helping the oldest with her high-school. If I thought I was challenged before...
Welp, I sure there is more that I am leaving out since it's been forever since I've updated this puppy, but I don't want to bore you too much! So this is my goal; to update at least once a month! I probably won't make it, but I sure as hell am going to try! So with that I'll see ya next month.
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
Monday, April 4, 2011
The End
After a year of feeling pretty miserable the whole "cousin dating the ex-best friend" debacle is finally over. I have a lot of mixed emotions. I'm not happy that two people I love are hurting or have been through any pain, but on the other hand I am over joyed that that relationship is done and over with. It's finally a chapter in my life I can close.
I always wondered after they broke up if I would be able to mend things with "he who shant be named." I was talking to a mutual friend of ours, and he told me to go ahead, and try to patch things up "to meet up with the guy." He also told me that he thought that I liked him "more than a friend." Is it impossible to be friends with the opposite sex and not have everyone think that all you want from them is to be involved with them in a romantic manner?? I don't know how many times I need to say or explain that all I have ever felt for him has been strictly platonic. I love him like a little brother, an obnoxious, annoying, douche baggy, little brother. We have completely different life views, and unlike others, I know that you can't just ignore those, and try to make a relationship work.
Anyway back to our friend trying to play peace maker. I decide that I'm going to call thinking that he wouldn't even answer, because one thing that we do have in common is our stubbornness, and I know that if he had tried to call me before I was ready it would be rejected. So I call, and he answers, and is pissed, he proceeds to yell at me for 3 minutes, says he will keep me in his prayers, but that we can't be friends anymore. First let me say how hard it was for me to keep my mouth shut while he went off on me, I really didn't call him to fight or argue, second it's a nice thought, but he can keep his prayers to himself. Why would you pray for someone you want nothing to do with?
My favorite part of this whole thing is that when I called him it was still all my fault, and if our relationship had ever meant anything to him I wouldn't have just tried to push him out of my life. I admit to my mistakes, I'm not perfect, I have a temper, I'm pig headed, and stubborn. But at the same time I was doing the best I could, My Grandpa was sick, I was sick, people were sneaking around behind my back. For him to put everything on me isn't fair. He's the one who broke a promise to me, and I forgave him for that and was willing to move on, when he started going on about how "we're just friends, that's all we've ever been." When I came back with a retort HE not I stopped talking, he stopped talking to me.
It's an odd numb feeling to know that he wants nothing to do with me, until now there had always been a glimmer of hope for me at the end of the tunnel, and now that has been extinguished.
I'm saddened that there is no hope for us because I miss his friendship, I miss having someone to talk to about my sister, and other things that I just don't feel comfortable talking to others about, I miss having a backup buddy who would go to anything with me so that I didn't have to go alone, I miss his sense of humor, and even our arguments about political and life views. But I'm also relieved I feel like the door has been shut, and I can begin to move on in my life. (not that I was like dysfunctional because of this)
So I'm saddened, and relieved, and disappointed. Because things turned out exactly like everyone said they would, the two of them ended up not together, and nothing good came from their relationship, just hurt, and anger, and heart-break, and the loss of two friends. Sure my cousin, and I will move on, and I'm no longer mad at anyone, but I also feel like I will always approach her with a caution that was never there before. It was already kind of hard to gain my trust, now I don't know if I dare give it to anyone. Two people who I never thought would do something to hurt me ended up burning me in a way that I have never been burned before.
I don't know as though there is a good way to end this incredibly random post other than to say cherish those around you, and treat them with love, and respect. Also realize that while it would be nice, sometimes "I'm so sorry" isn't enough.
I always wondered after they broke up if I would be able to mend things with "he who shant be named." I was talking to a mutual friend of ours, and he told me to go ahead, and try to patch things up "to meet up with the guy." He also told me that he thought that I liked him "more than a friend." Is it impossible to be friends with the opposite sex and not have everyone think that all you want from them is to be involved with them in a romantic manner?? I don't know how many times I need to say or explain that all I have ever felt for him has been strictly platonic. I love him like a little brother, an obnoxious, annoying, douche baggy, little brother. We have completely different life views, and unlike others, I know that you can't just ignore those, and try to make a relationship work.
Anyway back to our friend trying to play peace maker. I decide that I'm going to call thinking that he wouldn't even answer, because one thing that we do have in common is our stubbornness, and I know that if he had tried to call me before I was ready it would be rejected. So I call, and he answers, and is pissed, he proceeds to yell at me for 3 minutes, says he will keep me in his prayers, but that we can't be friends anymore. First let me say how hard it was for me to keep my mouth shut while he went off on me, I really didn't call him to fight or argue, second it's a nice thought, but he can keep his prayers to himself. Why would you pray for someone you want nothing to do with?
My favorite part of this whole thing is that when I called him it was still all my fault, and if our relationship had ever meant anything to him I wouldn't have just tried to push him out of my life. I admit to my mistakes, I'm not perfect, I have a temper, I'm pig headed, and stubborn. But at the same time I was doing the best I could, My Grandpa was sick, I was sick, people were sneaking around behind my back. For him to put everything on me isn't fair. He's the one who broke a promise to me, and I forgave him for that and was willing to move on, when he started going on about how "we're just friends, that's all we've ever been." When I came back with a retort HE not I stopped talking, he stopped talking to me.
It's an odd numb feeling to know that he wants nothing to do with me, until now there had always been a glimmer of hope for me at the end of the tunnel, and now that has been extinguished.
I'm saddened that there is no hope for us because I miss his friendship, I miss having someone to talk to about my sister, and other things that I just don't feel comfortable talking to others about, I miss having a backup buddy who would go to anything with me so that I didn't have to go alone, I miss his sense of humor, and even our arguments about political and life views. But I'm also relieved I feel like the door has been shut, and I can begin to move on in my life. (not that I was like dysfunctional because of this)
So I'm saddened, and relieved, and disappointed. Because things turned out exactly like everyone said they would, the two of them ended up not together, and nothing good came from their relationship, just hurt, and anger, and heart-break, and the loss of two friends. Sure my cousin, and I will move on, and I'm no longer mad at anyone, but I also feel like I will always approach her with a caution that was never there before. It was already kind of hard to gain my trust, now I don't know if I dare give it to anyone. Two people who I never thought would do something to hurt me ended up burning me in a way that I have never been burned before.
I don't know as though there is a good way to end this incredibly random post other than to say cherish those around you, and treat them with love, and respect. Also realize that while it would be nice, sometimes "I'm so sorry" isn't enough.
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
Family
I have an AMAZING family. My mom, my sister, and I are the immediate family. My mother has four siblings, one older, and three younger. I get along with all of my family, and I am blessed enough to live near almost all of them (Sheree, and Jason we miss you, and the boys!)
My only complaint, and I know that it is so selfish to complain when you have so much to be grateful for, but my only complaint is my sister. I know that as you are younger you don't always get along with your siblings, but I genuinely feel like my sister hates me. I know that it sounds harsh, and it breaks my heart to say so, but I honestly think she does. I'm not saying that I am perfect, because I know that I am far from it.
When she was going through all that she was going through in high-school I shut down. I couldn't handle it I slipped further and further into depression, began to throw myself into anything that I could to get my mind off of my home life, and then the self mutilation started, scratching, and cutting, anything that could take my mind off the pain.
I became bitter, and resentful to my Sister, and my Mother (though my Mom and I have moved past it) for upsetting my seemingly perfect life. In hind sight that was the biggest mistake of my life, I was being selfish and instead of looking out for her, and instead of helping her through her issues all I could do was focus on me and how my life was upset.
If there were anything I could do to go back in time and fix it I would. Instead we struggle with this "relationship" if you can even call it that. I long for a sister so bad. I try, and I try, and I try with her only to get burned every time. We have some heartfelt breakthrough and make up and promise to keep in touch and to get along better, we forgive for past sins, and all is good, and calm on the home front for a week, a month, six months, she'll come over for dinner, we'll go to lunch, and then somehow something happens and we're back to square one.
It seems to be me who always takes the first step and it seems to be me who calls to schedule lunch dates or shopping trips, and slowly we start to drift again, and then I do something wrong, and there is a fight, and we have to start over again. I am just so TIRED of this cycle. People say that they fight with siblings, and then they grow out of it and become best friends, and I honestly wish that would just happen with us.
I love my sister, and even when it feels like all I want to do is slap some sense into her. I just wish that we could honestly put all of the issues that we had in the past behind us. I know I know that I fucked up in high school, and that I should have been more concerned with her, but I can't go back and fix it. I just don't know what to do I want things to be o.k. with us. Unfortunately I don't see that happening. How do you stop someone from hating you?
My only complaint, and I know that it is so selfish to complain when you have so much to be grateful for, but my only complaint is my sister. I know that as you are younger you don't always get along with your siblings, but I genuinely feel like my sister hates me. I know that it sounds harsh, and it breaks my heart to say so, but I honestly think she does. I'm not saying that I am perfect, because I know that I am far from it.
When she was going through all that she was going through in high-school I shut down. I couldn't handle it I slipped further and further into depression, began to throw myself into anything that I could to get my mind off of my home life, and then the self mutilation started, scratching, and cutting, anything that could take my mind off the pain.
I became bitter, and resentful to my Sister, and my Mother (though my Mom and I have moved past it) for upsetting my seemingly perfect life. In hind sight that was the biggest mistake of my life, I was being selfish and instead of looking out for her, and instead of helping her through her issues all I could do was focus on me and how my life was upset.
If there were anything I could do to go back in time and fix it I would. Instead we struggle with this "relationship" if you can even call it that. I long for a sister so bad. I try, and I try, and I try with her only to get burned every time. We have some heartfelt breakthrough and make up and promise to keep in touch and to get along better, we forgive for past sins, and all is good, and calm on the home front for a week, a month, six months, she'll come over for dinner, we'll go to lunch, and then somehow something happens and we're back to square one.
It seems to be me who always takes the first step and it seems to be me who calls to schedule lunch dates or shopping trips, and slowly we start to drift again, and then I do something wrong, and there is a fight, and we have to start over again. I am just so TIRED of this cycle. People say that they fight with siblings, and then they grow out of it and become best friends, and I honestly wish that would just happen with us.
I love my sister, and even when it feels like all I want to do is slap some sense into her. I just wish that we could honestly put all of the issues that we had in the past behind us. I know I know that I fucked up in high school, and that I should have been more concerned with her, but I can't go back and fix it. I just don't know what to do I want things to be o.k. with us. Unfortunately I don't see that happening. How do you stop someone from hating you?
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
New Year!
I know it's a bit late, but I am going to write my new year post. The results are in and the conclusion is that 2010 was a pretty sucky year. It really all did start last christmas exploded in March and then went downhill from there. I've fought with family, lost my closest friend, lost my Grandpa, fought with my sister, realized that my Grandpa married the Wicked Witch of the West. And that's just the big stuff. I have been trying so hard to keep my head up and to try to not let it get me down, but I feel like I haven't done a very good job. I am prone to depression, and even though for the most part I do a pretty awesome job of keeping up appearances some days I feel like lying in bed and sobbing. I know I know that this sounds terrible, how much can I really have to bitch about? I live in a warm home, and at the end of the day I have a whole family who loves me, I actually have been blessed with two families who love and support me! What I need to do is take that into account and realize that while it's ok to feel sad sometimes that I can't let it rule my life and it can't control my every thought. I suppose that should be my resolution this coming year to not just be grateful and thankful, but to actually appreciate all that I have in my life, people, and material I have plenty.
Thursday, December 9, 2010
Always Expect the Unexpected
Ever since I can remember I have always had very vivid dreams, and not only do I have these vivid dreams, but I always remember them with perfect clarity, I never have to sit and try to remember what I dreamed the night before I just know. I have these dreams, but I've never felt like they were anything special, I don't feel like they are premonitions or warnings, or anything special really, just my tired brain unwinding for the night. Last night I had a dream that I was going camping with Courtney and my mom, we were at my house packing and getting ready to go when the doorbell rang, Courtney looks at me and says "I wonder who that could be" as soon as she says that the doorbell begins to ring multiple times, just like the way my Grandpa used to ring when he came over. Immediately I just know that it's him, because who else would come ring your door in such an obnoxious way? He comes inside and asks what we are doing and when I tell him we are going camping, and he chimes in with all this information about where we are going and the best way to get there. My Grandpa just knew stuff about places and things and whenever you started talking about something he always had something to say,and it wasn't just bull shit he was pulling out of his ass, he genuinely knew a lot of things. So back to the dream. He asks why I'm packing something that he doesn't think I need to take and then calls me an "odd duck" which is what he would call me all the time when he was alive. When he turned to leave I got up and gave him a hug and said "love you grandpa" he said "you too" and I woke up.
When I got out of bed I didn't even think anything about the dream, I didn't think it was odd and I didn't think about the fact that my Grandpa is gone, it wasn't until my mom got home from work and I was telling her my dream that I really thought about it, and I was sad, It's still fresh to me I still can't believe that I'm not ever going to see him again and that I'm never going to hear him tell me that I need to be nice to my sister, that I won't leave and say I love you with a 20% chance of hearing it back. My Grandpa was a gruff grumpy old man, he made mistakes in his life, but I believe that as he got older he tried to make up for the mistakes that he made with his children with his grandchildren. I don't know what to make of that dream I don't know if that was him saying hi or it was just me thinking about him. It was 5 months 2 days ago that he passed away, and I miss and love him.
When I got out of bed I didn't even think anything about the dream, I didn't think it was odd and I didn't think about the fact that my Grandpa is gone, it wasn't until my mom got home from work and I was telling her my dream that I really thought about it, and I was sad, It's still fresh to me I still can't believe that I'm not ever going to see him again and that I'm never going to hear him tell me that I need to be nice to my sister, that I won't leave and say I love you with a 20% chance of hearing it back. My Grandpa was a gruff grumpy old man, he made mistakes in his life, but I believe that as he got older he tried to make up for the mistakes that he made with his children with his grandchildren. I don't know what to make of that dream I don't know if that was him saying hi or it was just me thinking about him. It was 5 months 2 days ago that he passed away, and I miss and love him.
Sunday, November 28, 2010
There's no place like home!
My momma is coming home tomorrow and I am so excited! I've missed her! I know that it might seem a little odd that we are as close as we are, but we are. She's been gone for over a week and at her vacay house she didn't have cell reception so I couldn't just call her up whenever I wanted. I'm thinking that I'm going to make thanksgiving dinner tomorrow I have all day before she gets home, and maybe have my Grandma over since she refused to go out to Thanksgiving... My sister isn't invited though because she's being a bitch. (which really isn't surprising) I'm thinking I might put it off for a while though because my mom is still eating leftovers, so I'll make something else. Anyway, the house is all clean, new things have been done that can only be done when mom is away, and I'm excited to go pick up mom! Woo hoo!
Talking about Thanksgiving makes me feel like I need to say what I am thankful for, I know it's cheesy, and I also know that I'm late in doing so, but I'm going to do so anyway. I am thankful first and foremost for my mommy, she not only takes care of me, but is someone who I genuinely enjoy spending time with and have a good time with. I am thankful for my family, both those who I am actually and legally related to and those who have adopted me into their family. I am thankful for a warm home and never having to worry about where I'm going to lay my head at night. I am thankful for my friends I miss all of my friends from Cedar, but I am so blessed to have you guys in my life, Fab Five forever :) I am thankful for my best friend, without her I feel like I would have given up a long time ago, I don't have anyone else in my life who I can share so many things with. I am thankful for, and I know this sounds so cliche, for my country I may not always agree with the politics, but I am thankful that I live in a country where I can change that. I am thankful for out troops, I am also thankful for their families, I can't say thank you enough for the sacrifice you all make. I am thankful for my iPod, sometimes music is my only outlet and there is nothing better than finding the perfect song and blasting it. I am thankful for life, for a while I feel like I wasn't thankful for my life, and I'm so happy that is changing. I am thankful for my pets (including Toby cat)
I realize that some of the things I listed may seem superficial, but I promise I see the big picture and I am thankful for all the things in my life both big and small. HAPPY LATE THANKSGIVING!!!
Talking about Thanksgiving makes me feel like I need to say what I am thankful for, I know it's cheesy, and I also know that I'm late in doing so, but I'm going to do so anyway. I am thankful first and foremost for my mommy, she not only takes care of me, but is someone who I genuinely enjoy spending time with and have a good time with. I am thankful for my family, both those who I am actually and legally related to and those who have adopted me into their family. I am thankful for a warm home and never having to worry about where I'm going to lay my head at night. I am thankful for my friends I miss all of my friends from Cedar, but I am so blessed to have you guys in my life, Fab Five forever :) I am thankful for my best friend, without her I feel like I would have given up a long time ago, I don't have anyone else in my life who I can share so many things with. I am thankful for, and I know this sounds so cliche, for my country I may not always agree with the politics, but I am thankful that I live in a country where I can change that. I am thankful for out troops, I am also thankful for their families, I can't say thank you enough for the sacrifice you all make. I am thankful for my iPod, sometimes music is my only outlet and there is nothing better than finding the perfect song and blasting it. I am thankful for life, for a while I feel like I wasn't thankful for my life, and I'm so happy that is changing. I am thankful for my pets (including Toby cat)
I realize that some of the things I listed may seem superficial, but I promise I see the big picture and I am thankful for all the things in my life both big and small. HAPPY LATE THANKSGIVING!!!
I know I know
So I never ever follow through on things like this and surprise surprise blogging hasn't been any different! Well tonight I have some time before Courtney gets here so I figured I would log on and do some writing. My Mom has abandoned me for thanksgiving but it's ok, because I still have family to celebrate with. Even if we have our issues sometimes I still love them and I'm excited for yummy food and a good day, then I'm going out to my second family (Courtney's) and going to have even more wonderful food and company I can't wait!
So I know that in blogs pas tI have mentioned my ex best friend Cory, well I have finally reached a point in my life where I am no longer angry or even hurt by his actions, about 2 weeks ago I sent him a text asking if he would be willing to try one more time to be friends, because even though to everyone else he looks like an ass he was my best friend, but I didn't hear back, I'm pretty good at pushing people away, I completely understand why he's finally had enough of me and my anger. It still hurts though.
So since this blog is just me rambling, another thing that I was going to touch on was the GLBT teen suicides and the hate that I see in this country, but I think I'll save that. I feel like we are constantly talking about all the bad in the world, and don't get me wrong I still see it and want to fix it, but there is also good in this world and not just big things, but simple things like waking up to a freshly shoveled driveway after the big blizzard, or my family checking on me just because they know my mom is out of town. I try to be good, and to help those in need, I'm sure I don't do as much as I could, and that is something I would like to improve on.
I know this is the most poorly put together blog, but I really just need a place to put down some thoughts every once in a while, and this is what comes out. I promise I'm not quite this scatterbrained in my everyday life. Well since I'm finishing this up like a week after I started, and I have shit to do I'm going to wrap this random blog up, I'm off to put nails in my wall, but shh don't tell my mom!!!
So I know that in blogs pas tI have mentioned my ex best friend Cory, well I have finally reached a point in my life where I am no longer angry or even hurt by his actions, about 2 weeks ago I sent him a text asking if he would be willing to try one more time to be friends, because even though to everyone else he looks like an ass he was my best friend, but I didn't hear back, I'm pretty good at pushing people away, I completely understand why he's finally had enough of me and my anger. It still hurts though.
So since this blog is just me rambling, another thing that I was going to touch on was the GLBT teen suicides and the hate that I see in this country, but I think I'll save that. I feel like we are constantly talking about all the bad in the world, and don't get me wrong I still see it and want to fix it, but there is also good in this world and not just big things, but simple things like waking up to a freshly shoveled driveway after the big blizzard, or my family checking on me just because they know my mom is out of town. I try to be good, and to help those in need, I'm sure I don't do as much as I could, and that is something I would like to improve on.
I know this is the most poorly put together blog, but I really just need a place to put down some thoughts every once in a while, and this is what comes out. I promise I'm not quite this scatterbrained in my everyday life. Well since I'm finishing this up like a week after I started, and I have shit to do I'm going to wrap this random blog up, I'm off to put nails in my wall, but shh don't tell my mom!!!
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